10.19

I got up at 6am just as my parents were headed out to work. It was still dark and cold. I put a Ziploc baggie full cookies my mom made for me in the passenger’s seat and headed South on 35 for 70 miles until I reached 90 West, which I will stay on for 1,400 miles give or take.

I watched the wind farms in Southern Minnesota turn into the empty yellow pastures of South Dakota, which looked pinked through my sunglasses. I started taking pictures and making little videos that I imagine I will post here soon.

I stopped for lunch in a town called Plankinton. 2 block main street, court house, bars, gain elevator. I came into one of the bars for lunch expecting – I don’t know – saw dust on the floor. Instead I found leather couches inside and wireless internet. I got my laptop from the car and logged in to my email. I saw R. was online.

I meet R. at a month long artist residency in Vermont shortly after I meet Z. I was enthralled with Z. at the time, typing out messages to her at night on my laptop in my studio, planning a weekend with her Montreal. I couldn’t think of anyone else when I masturbated. I told this to R. We were fast friends.

In the South Dakota bar I update R. saying that I’m back in the US, thenI asked her if anyone had ever accidentally had anal sex with her. I accidentally put my penis in Z.’s anus in South Africa. Things had been a little tense between us; I was leaving in less than a week. I figured I would break the tension by having a loud fuck. It was going well. I was being aggressive, then I accidentally fucked her butt. One or two strokes, but still, she and I both found it arresting. I got in the shower feeling like like a screw up, I couldn’t even fuck away the tension. After the shower she and I had sex again – a kind of it’s OK, these things happen sort of sex. A few days later I left. As soon as I got home Z started writing to me about how sad she was. I hadn’t expected that.

I got back into my car and started driving again. The pastures turned into open range. Occasionally I saw black steer eating. The yellow grass still looked pink through my sunglasses. I feel like South Dakota is empty. I’m sure people who live here would disagree. South Dakota is exactly right for me right now.